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Grain Fixed
Fix You: Haunting Memories of the Past
[Listen to Song and Read full article here]
A friend turned me on to this song this morning. Love the lyrics and it fits well for me right now. After talking to my special friend, I started to analyze what it is I'm trying to fix about myself. Why am I not ready to be in a relationship? What is at the heart of my pain? It's a hard question. I can't get him off my mind. He's embedded in my heart. Our goals are in alignment. So...why? Why am I not ready? Well, to be honest, and I almost hate to type this, but...I don't know how to be loved. Somewhere I learned that you do whatever you have to in order to be accepted...to stay loved...even if that goes against the very grain of your soul. I know how to love; I can be very romantic, caring, giving, etc., but...I don't know how to be loved. Maybe that stems from the abuse I survived as a child and the attitudes it set in my brain. Sex = love, love = pain. I learned how to walk on egg shells and just be thankful for what little love is shown. To turn a man on sexually to earn his affections. Give of yourself 200% and expect nothing in return. It's like, somehow, I convinced myself that's all the love I deserved. I am full of love, but I was meant to love and be loved, sadly...I don't know what that even means or feels like....I need God to fix me...to show me what I'm worth.
It's a blow to the head to realize this about yourself. Probably why I haven't blogged in a couple days...I didn't really want to admit this to anyone. I want to be loved for me...what's inside. I want the love I give to be returned. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying he doesn't love me for the right reasons, if in fact he loves me, I'm saying...I'm not sure what that feels like or...how to even accept it. The love I give will not always match the love I get, but, I can honestly say I don't know what it feels like to be loved. I don't know how to not walk on egg shells. I don't know how to not be...afraid. How sad is that?? It's an area of the playground the devil has the most fun, and the most control over me. I'm usually the one busy trying to figure out how to demonstrate my love, how to not cause a ruckus or make waves...not how to accept it from someone else. I don't know how to accept that kind of love...a love that's real, pure. As the old saying goes, 'how can you love someone else if you can't love yourself?' I need to learn how to love me so that I can accept it when someone else does. I need to learn that love doesn't have to hurt. Not everyone lies or cheats.
For too long, the devil has made me feel unworthy. God is showing me that I am worthy of love. (Proverbs 3:5-6, John 8:32, Deuteronomy 31:6) That's an amazing feeling. I know in my heart, in the very depths of my being, that once this lesson is learned, I will love like no other and I will be loved like never before. It will be beyond anything I could have imagined. And that, my friends, makes the wait so worth it. Maybe it will be my special friend, maybe it won't. I can't worry about that now....it is what it is and time will reveal where I am suppose to be.
...The next time I love someone, it will be complete...it will come from every pore of my being and nothing will go to waste. I'm letting go so I can fix myself, because if I don't, I will never know what I'm really worth. Lights will guide me home and ignite my bones. God will fix me. I will be loved.
About the Author
Angie is the author of the blog "My Walk With God". At 40 Angie is a single, divorced mother of 3 children ranging in ages from 21 to 16. Having suffered through addiction, divorce, abuse, depression and sin, she finds her strength by walking with God. She is a programmer/analyst and enjoys photography both as a side profession and as a hobby/release. Her current passion is a photography collection she calls "How Great Thou Art". She also enjoys bonding with her kids, reading, traveling, exploring, gardening, and anything outdoors. The youngest of 8 siblings, she was a high school drop out, yet now holds 2 Associates Degrees and 1 Bachelor's Degree and is currently earning her Masters. Check out more about her walk with God at: angnic.wordpress.com
Chef Wars raw footage unedited (grain noice can be fixed)